connected parenting

Discipline -Five Ways to Use Connection To Get Cooperation

Discipline and managing toddler tantrums are pretty common parenting topics! After sleep and feeding, discipline just might be the most frequently asked question of parents with young children.

Parenting, discipline, and co-regulation are things that invariably weave in and out of any conversation families have with me about sleep, feeding, and development. Even when discipline and regulation are not the key challenges, they are inevitably part of the solution. How empowered we feel about parenting, and how available strategies are to us "in the moment" can make a BIG difference.

Even With Older Children, Attachment and Connection Support Sleep

A photo from quite a few years back of a relaxed and joyful part of our bedtime routine —hanging out together. Sleep is important. And so is connection. The two can work together. (It is recommended that children under two not bed share next to a sibling.)

A photo from quite a few years back of a relaxed and joyful part of our bedtime routine —hanging out together. Sleep is important. And so is connection. The two can work together. (It is recommended that children under two not bed share next to a sibling.)

There was a time before kids when I was not as attachment-focused in my sleep approach. And if I am completely honest with myself, there have been times even after becoming a mother where I have struggled with attachment-based approaches to supporting sleep. Shifting my perspectives and expectations this much has been a process.

But now, with my youngest at age 4, and with my two older boys, I’ve hit my stride (without perfection, but with calm intention) when it comes to supporting their sleep most nights.

Tonight’s bedtime routine (with all it’s imperfections, and bumps) feels like a story worth telling, in that it reflects how profoundly I’ve shifted my priorities around night time parenting. I don’t dismiss the importance of sleep (enough of it, and of good quality). But I do know that more often than not the best way for our kids to get good sleep is to meet (and exceed) the need with an open heart and a calm, unhurried state of mind.

Perhaps some nights an open heart and a calm, unhurried mind are a struggle. On those nights it’s a challenge to dig deep and meet the need. It becomes a war against our intentions, which often comes out looking like a battle against our kids: them resisting sleep, and us trying to overpower their resistance.

But tonight there was no strong arm, no temptation to coerce, and no resistance. Instead, the evening started with rather feeble efforts on my part to start the routine, and ended with a sense of such connection that I am smitten.

At the usual bedtime, as I do on nights when I am distracted and trying to get work done, I was verbally guiding my two older kiddos (6 and 9) to bed. But as with so many pieces of parenting, you’ve got to walk the walk….and actually walk with them upstairs! Instead, I was giving instructions about shutting down screen time while tapping on my laptop, and listing off bedtime steps without modelling them myself. Hardly “leading by example”.

Now I do know that my children are capable of walking up stairs independently. Of brushing their teeth independently. Of getting dressed independently. Of climbing into bed and crawling under the covers independently. But I have learned well both through research and through parenting experience, that the ability to do something independently is not the only factor in accomplishing a task. Not by a long shot. Coming alongside, and “doing with” are powerful strategies for connecting and accomplishing.

So instead of escalating the volume of my voice, getting sharper and snappier and frustrated, I paused, and heeded the call from my spouse to please come upstairs and help usher them to bed (we both play integral parts in the bedtime wind-down) —tonight things weren’t going all that smoothly. There seemed to be a frenetic energy in the upstairs loft (full moon?!). A lot was happening that had very little to do with bedtime. There were push ups and jumping jacks, karate punches and kicks into cushions, building of forts, requests to make elaborate paper plate faces to tape to these “punching bags” (yes that sounds terrific; yes, it will have to wait till tomorrow), and a lot (a lot) of talking.

But step by step, slowly and calmly, we made our way to their beds where story time was pulled off the roster but gratitude questions and a review of their day remained intact. By now it was very late and despite having more work to take care of, I lay with them a while, and I closed my kindle (did I say screens shouldn’t be part of bedtime? Direction not perfection!), and just lay there as my middle child told me elaborate explanations of how things work. He chatted while holding my hand. His volume was louder than usual, and we kept having to remind him that his little brother was sleeping. He talked with excitement and enthusiasm and while he talked he played with my hair. And then, interrupting his story, he requested that I get the detangling brush….so that he could brush the knots out of my hair.

Now the old me —before I became a mother, or before we got to a point where I was getting enough sleep most nights to make flexibility and patience easy— would have said no, it’s bed time, good night. But tonight I paused, considered how comfortable and content he was: he was getting one-on-one time with me as he peered at the full moon out his window and lazily shared contemplative explanations of zombies and werewolves.

Here was a kiddo whose one-on-one time often gets squeezed out between the needs of his younger brother and the activities of his older brother. The kiddo who sometimes stops talking out of frustration that no one is listening, or that he’s been interrupted again. Here he was chatting to me, connecting with me. So I did what I felt compelled to do: I got the comb, I brought it up, and he combed my hair while talking, while solving dilemmas of his day, while unwinding for sleep.

When all the knots were out I said good night, gave the boys kisses, and left. They both fell asleep without another peep.

There is something liberating about approaching night time this way. For all the conflict, or upset, or missed opportunities to connect during the day, night time has fewer distractions. Night time is a chance to put a cherry on top of the day, no matter how bad the day has been. Night time could be (and often is!) a stressful, exhausting ritual of resistance when we as parents can be maxed out. But by “finishing strong”, and finishing with connection, I’ve made up for some of the less-than-ideal parts of today.

Whatever needs he had not had filled during the day seemed topped up well by my spending this time with him as he lay in bed. And his need for sleep is fulfilled too: maybe not as early as ideal, but certainly as smoothly as I could ever wish for.

Snug as kittens: even older kiddos need to feel relaxed and to unwind with parental support sometimes.

Snug as kittens: even older kiddos need to feel relaxed and to unwind with parental support sometimes.

Breathing in Anger: How to Cope with a Child's Rage

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Angry outbursts from our children, hurtful words from them, or a hurtfully hard megablock thrown deliberately at you...These can all trigger our own anger, hurt, and tempers.  

How do we handle such fiery hot emotions from our children while staying calm ourselves? 

How do we help our little ones regulate these intense feelings? 

What are we supposed to do to discipline them?

I will venture to say that developing our own self-regulation is the essence of helping our children do the same, and it is much more than child discipline: it is our own self-discipline!

When tempers from our children flair, we may be tempted to try to take the reigns, control the situation more tightly, force them to comply with our expectation, and threaten with punishment.  And we may soon discover that this fans the flames, leading to a child who feels unregulated, behaves in even more challenging ways (or complies out of fear, rather than connection) and may lead to us reaching a boiling point too.

Here are some ideas for managing ourselves in the heat of the moment.  Start here.  Start with you.  When you feel calm, and open, and able to cope, then you can more effectively help your child to feel calm, and open, and able to cope too.

 

  • Breath in, breath out.  Whether it is to slow down your heart rate, buy time to think of an action plan, or to model calmness that you hope will rub off, taking a deep breath in, and out can be a first step.  You do not need to know what to do next.  You simply breath.  And breath again.

 

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  • Make your breath count.  Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist monk, teaches the meditation of Tonglen: to send and receive; to breath in the anger and the hurt of another, and to breath out calmness, love, and joy.  Regardless of your religious beliefs, you may find this resonates with you as a way of making your breath meaningful not just in practical ways but in ways of the heart too.  If approaching your breath this way helps  you feel more open to accepting your child's anger, lovely!  If not, the simple act of a deep breath in and out still works to calm an excited nervous system.

 

  •  Know there is a reason behind it.  Challenging behaviour is a sign of a need.  We may not always understand our children's anger, but if we know that a need is at the base of it, then we can respond in a way that looks to meet that need.  Often, with negative behaviour, we look to an emotional need: fear, embarrassment, hurt, shame, insecurity.  And often this is the key.  At other times anger and challenging behaviour may reflect physical pain, illness, or physical discomfort.

 

  • Provide your presence, not your advice. Gordon Neufeld, developmental psychologist in British Columbia, discusses ways of being present for a young child (or adult too!) who is challenged with big emotions.  When your child is lashing out in anger, stay close but not too close, talk quietly and calmly but not too much. Do not correct, until you connect.  Dr. Bruce Perry, an American psychiatrist specializing in childhood trauma, describes this as three steps: regulate, relate, then reason.  Understanding that none of us can process information very well when we are angry is helpful to remember when being present for our angry child.
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  • Give another outlet -a physical one- for your child to release this anger.  Ripping paper, kicking a garbage can. And yes, even emptying the garbage can onto the floor.  If you can find a way to stay calm with it, then let it happen (though I've certainly swooped in to rescue a cherished bowl or other breakable object!).  I know it seems counter-intuitive perhaps to let children destroy things, but I have found that the wider the girth I give my kids to release their anger, and the less upset I am with it, the more I see the limit of what they will do --at one point I told my angry preschooler, who was holding a book in a way that suggested he was about to rip it, that it was ok; that if he felt that angry he could rip the book. And he didn't. He almost melted into the permission as if he wanted to know just how far it would be before my unconditional love stopped. And he realized it doesn't.  It is not always easy to stay that calm --but when it happens it feels like reaching the sweet spot of parenting: remaining calm in the tempest.

 

  • Use simple language to calm the situation.   We cannot process language very well when we are angry.  And yet, calm, rhythmic, repetitive, and simple language can help us calm down, and can help give us tools for coping.  I think this is why 'mantras' are so helpful for those who meditate.  At young ages especially, talk in simple sentences (e.g. it is ok to be mad, it is not ok to hurt me, repeated).

 

  • Use simple language to "correct" the behaviour or to reason with your child.  When both you and your child are calm, then address the behaviour.  For young children this will be more direct and simple, and can include words that acknowledge their anger, their behaviour, and gives an alternative.  For older children, reasoning around why some things are not ok to do, and looking at ways they can cope with angry feelings next time can be helpful.  Physical closeness can be an important part of this.  By continuing to use simple language, we can avoid 'giving a lecture' or bringing up past behaviours.  We can focus on empathy, reflection, and problem solving instead.

 

  • Go for the long haul.    Sometimes the hard work we do parenting through challenging situations doesn't bear fruit for a long time.  Our children may make the same mistakes over and over, or take a very long time to develop enough self-regulation to stop pushing their sibling, throwing things, or biting when angry.  Think of this in the long term.  However, you may also find that the work you do in regulating your emotions gives you wonderful payoffs right away:  when I stay calm through the tempests of my middle child (which is not always!), I am often met with a spontaneous "I love you" when things are calmer.  I take this "I love you" to also mean "thanks for staying with me through that.  Thank you for not getting mad".  

 

It is a very challenging thing to regulate our own emotions when trying to help our children develop self-regulation skills.  It can trigger a lot of hurt and anger in us that makes it difficult to meet the needs of our children.  Hugs to anyone who has had to dig deep to stay calm with their angry child.  It is no easy thing.  As Laura Markham, Clinical Psychologist, has said, our own self-regulation is the foundation of effective parenting.